Fear is a strange thing. It seems to come at the most inconvenient times and it’s really good at taking over. It distracts you, consumes you, and stops you. But can fear be used in your favor?
Lately, I’ve been filled with fear. Spilling over the brim with it, to the point where it’s been debilitating. Getting out of bed in the morning is a battle and falling asleep at night can’t come soon enough. Tears have been shed, anxiety has been high, and my brain has been swarming with thoughts. But what am I really so afraid of? Failure? Challenge? Success? Regret? It’s seemed to be all of the above as of late. When I finally got to a point where fear was totally taking control of my life, I listened. I didn’t stop being afraid. And I didn’t try to fight against it anymore. I simply surrendered. Surrendered to the unknown and the world of what-ifs.
Many of you have heard the saying time and time again, “What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” If you’re anything like me this sounds great in theory, but it isn’t always that easy. Convincing myself to shift my “what if I fall?” attitude to start thinking “what if I fly?” didn’t take away my anxiety or my fear of the unknown. It actually almost made it worse. Because now I wasn’t just afraid of failing, but I was also afraid of succeeding and “flying” into something I might not be ready for. So instead, I surrendered.
I surrendered to my worry, my fear, my doubt. I surrendered to not knowing what opportunities are ahead of me. I surrendered to the hundreds of voices telling me their opinions. I let it be. I let my heart speak and my gut guide. I sank in to the discomfort and the anxiety. I leaned into the force pulling me to step away.
As I close a chapter of my life that I thought would be my forever career, I’ve been tested to my limits. I’ve mourned the loss of passion for teaching. I’ve beat myself up for not loving it as much as I used to. I’ve questioned why I’m letting go of something I’m so good at. But it’s not where I’m at right now, at this point in my journey, on the way to where I want to be. And that’s okay. Good things don’t come easy. And the right choices are often the hardest ones to make.
And so I sit at a crossroads– I continue on a path where I’m running on empty or I veer off my pre-laid bricks to follow where my heart is. And my heart is here. Writing to you, sharing my passions, telling my story, and creating beauty. And so I continue to surrender, lean in, and create my Plan B as I go. It may not be easy, but I sure as hell know it will be worth it.
My gratitude and love is extended to each and every.single.one. of you who take time to read my words and share my passion. The comments I get, the notes I receive, and the words of encouragement are what keep me going when things get tough or when my fear takes over. I can’t thank you enough for that– for being my guide and my light in times of darkness and doubt. I can’t wait to start this new journey and lay down this new path I’m creating for myself. And I’m so excited to have you guys along for the ride! xx